Here's to the ones who stuck in when they should have run..

I don’t have many friends.

They say if you can count all of your friends with one hand, it’s a sign you are growing up (or getting old) and the reason why you have only a few is probably because Quality > Quantity. On the surface, I do not disagree. But it is also not me to accept it as a fact without first digging deep because it makes me feel like I'm making an excuse to comfort myself.

So in the recent weeks, when I’m alone, I reflect on the reason why I don’t have many favourites and why I’m also not on top of the list for many. Am I not normal (what does normal even mean any way)? Am I difficult to get along with? Does my loud mouth scare people away? Am I incapable of empathising with their feelings? Am I calculative? Am I too stuck in my ways and not open to ideas/change? Am I judgmental? Do I impose my beliefs on people around me? Am I bad at listening and shut people off? Well, you get the drift. The list is endless and continues to grow as I write this.

Ok, so... These thoughts didn’t come out of nothing. Something happened, which triggered them. And to be honest, I still haven’t a clue why it happened, or why it had to happen. I lost a friend, again. Someone I trusted, someone I held close (which is rare, I dare say). So I was asking myself the questions above while running through mental tapes of times I’ve spent with this person thinking where it all went wrong. I thought ghosting only happens in today’s ridiculous dating era but obviously it has managed to influence how people deal with their friendships too.

I couldn’t find a decent explanation for how things have turned out, and I’ve decided to stop searching for answers because I would be making excuses for this person any way. All I know is that she wasn’t upfront about her feelings which means there is nothing I can do to fix it (if there's anything broken). So I made it a point to stop beating myself up and to let it go..

It just hurts that whatever-ships are taken so lightly these days, so easily replaced. But we only have ourselves to blame, don’t we? Sad how we have allowed dating apps to undermine the meaning of love and relationships, social media to replace the heart-to-heart conversations we’re supposed to be having irl. It’s not that I don’t appreciate digitalisation and the advancements in tech, please don’t get me wrong. I’m just saying.. There are sentimental parts of life I wish would remain.

Communication is important. It’s the key thing that makes whatever-ships work. If you don’t speak up, you're stealing from people the chance to take corrective actions and make it up to you. Or tell you you’re being a complete dumbass, if you’ve made ridiculous demands.

I mean, isn’t that what friends are for?

xx

Here's to the ones

Who hide the bullet from the gun

Foot down on all my bullshit but won't cage me in

Here's to my friends

All in until the bitter end

Drink or two to the toast

Not too many though..

- Reasons Not to Die, Ryn Weaver